The people I’m about to describe in this post can be found kicking around in small numbers in quite a few places. College Campuses, coffee houses and other generally social places often have at least one of what I call the Sad Guy. This is not to be confused with the Pseudo-Sad Guy who fakes emotional distress to lure women into bed with him. (We’ll address those too further down.) A Sad Guy is a close relative of what’s commonly known as a Nice Guy except instead of trying to get dates or sex by hovering around in a woman’s presence and being “friends”, this guy hovers around in a woman’s presence (or just in public in general) being sad.
Now mind you, in much the same way that a Nice Guy is different from simply a guy who is nice, the Sad Guy in this instance is not the same thing as the guy who is just sad or depressed. The Sad Guy is a guy who thinks his sadness should be sufficient reason for someone to date him.
Sad Guys can be divided into two main types. Often a Sad Guy can act as both. I’ll start with the more awkward of the Sad Guys: The Public Sad Guy.
The Public Sad Guy is the guy who tries to attract women by sitting somewhere and telegraphing sadfeels into the ethers in the hopes that a nice lady will come along and comfort him. The expectation is that in addition to spelling out his loneliness and letting everybody know that what he wants is lady-companionship (which it doesn’t spell out at all), the Public Sad Guy might also think that broadcasting Sad-Radio will make himself look deep and interesting and make women curious about him. You see a lot more of these roaming through high schools, where while you’re at that age of self-absorption, at least you can fap to how sad you are. Not everybody seems to grow out of this though. The Public Sad Guy expects that this will result in attention and comfort that will lead to an emotional bond that will grow into a happy, loving relationship with lots and lots of comfort sex. He expects to achieve all this by sitting around in public for hours silently moping or complaining about his loneliness to anyone who will listen.
Next: The Private Sad Guy
The more common Private Sad Guy is more closely related to the Nice Guy in that his sad signals have a specific target. Basically a reversal of Nice Guy tactics, wherein the Nice Guy wedges himself into the role of comforter and confidant at every available opportunity in the hopes of winning a girl’s heart, Private Sad Guys constantly place themselves in the role of needing comfort. The lady he’s crushing on will always be the first to hear about what’s awful in his life or how lonely he is or how unfair it was for woman X, Y or Z to break his heart or reject him so harshly. The goal is again, for all this comfort to hopefully escalate to lovey, fuzzy, soft, Ben & Jerry’s comfort sex. I’ve been on the other end of this routine. It is not attractive. It is awkward.
For bonus sad points, back in college, I once saw this same guy use both approaches at the same time by sitting in the middle of the student lounge publicly moping with “Hey, There Delilah” playing at full blast on his laptop to broadcast his sadness that his crush (different one. Not me.) wasn’t dating him. To make matters more irritating, a girl did the same thing later that same day, playing that same song while her crush was in the room. Neither ever got what they wanted. That just goes to show that both men and women fail to get dates by employing The Sad. So all you Sad Girls take heed as well.
Also, note the conspicuous entanglement of sex and comfort. Both types of Sad Guy tend to be under the impression that sex has magical healing powers and really believe that a ladyfriend can make their troubles go away. Some Private Sad Guys in particular may also try to use comfort to force an emotional connection that wasn’t previously there in the hopes that it will hurry the sex up. In either setting, this is how Sad Guys think they’re coming across when they’re somewhere sadding it up:
“The world has just been so unfair to me and I don’t know why. I’m in such pain and suffering. I just wish someone would come along and make it all better for me. Could it be you?”
When how they actually come across looks more like this:
“Hey, you with the vagina! Come here right now and make up for all the other women who’ve treated me like crap! What? Not interested? You’re just mean and callous just like the rest of those no-good bitches who kick me while I’m down! Now I’m gonna be lonely and miserable forever! See you in hell! “
Attractive, right? Really makes you want to get closer to a person. Like a security guard perhaps.
By now you might be asking me “But doctorfishcraft, what about those guys who fake sadness and hurt to lure women closer to them? Like this guy. It works for them doesn’t it?”
Yes, it does.
Now before anybody decides to take this as an example of the “right” way to use The Sad to get girls: Both are skeezy and manipulative and doing it wrong. One is not better or more okay than the other. They’re just two different kinds of wrong.
The reason why Pseudo-Sad Guys succeed at getting women to sleep wth them is precisely because their sadness is fake. Since we aren’t dealing with an actual emotion based on actual events, the Pseudo-Sad Guy is free to tailor it to make him look however he wants. He often doesn’t lead with his fake wounds but introduces them later so that they can look like they’re the one small thing in the way of allowing him to be the amazing, wonderful, incredibly happy man he could be. It reads “Have hope for me!” as opposed to “Feel bad for me.” That way, his reveal of the situation looks more like something out of a romance novel or fairy tale and not an awkward therapy session. His healing becomes a pie in the sky that he can pretend he just found the secret to in whoever he’s targeting. He can make his pseudo-hurt look like it would be an easy fix, and make the woman he’s seeking to bone feel like she’s the one who’s extra-special enough to fix it with ease, for which he will be undyingly and eternally grateful.
I can’t emphasize the “ease” part enough. You see, the promises of a Pseudo-Sad guy are like a bad investment. The promise is that if you give him x amount, the investment will effortlessly grow and you both will be happy and wealthy and set for life! And it looks great until he takes off with your contribution and you never see a dime.
Sad Guys, on the other hand, are like panhandlers. Sex is like loose change. One lady’s change probably won’t even get you through the day, let alone save you or make your life stable. Plus, chances are pretty good that she knows full well that she can’t really help you which is why she just averts eye contact and keeps walking.
Real emotional issues are awkward and messy and cumbersome and take extensive work to get over. When you try to hand over your real hurts to somebody you’re trying to date, you’re not inviting them to consider a relationship with you. You’re handing them your emotional work. Most people do not want to enter relationships where they inherit baggage and are expected to atone for the sins of all members of their gender. You are also implying that they have some kind of moral obligation to date you. It reeks of entitlement. If you take this route, you send the message that you believe that the world has kicked you around to the point that you are owed a girlfriend and it had better be the one you picked out just now. If she doesn’t comply, it implies she is now responsible for taking your stockpile of hurt to a new level. You are holding her accountable for your cumulative misery. That’s emotional blackmail. In the highly unlikely event that someone even decides to date you under these conditions, this would NOT bode well for that relationship.
Given its incredible failure rate at sparking relationships, the Sad Guy tactic often sets off a vicious cycle of rejection and hurt creating increasing resentment and feelings of being owed. Because of this, Sad Guys often evolve into Entitled Angry Butthurt Guys who tend to have an even worse track record with dating success. All the more reason not to start down this road and to turn around if you find yourself there.
Moral of the story? If your emotional pain is that great, you will not find help by chasing down dates. Put down the vaginaphone and call a counselor or therapist or even just talk to a really good friend who you aren’t trying to bone. Your past hurtful experiences may not be your fault, but it’s on you and not womankind to figure out what to do about them now.